Imagine for a moment that it’s three o’clock in the morning and there you are wide awake, staring up at the ceiling. As the moonlight illuminates the night sky, your mind keeps replaying the scene of your man walking off into the sunset without you. There he goes, with his duffle bag in one hand and his car keys in the other. You can’t speak, you can’t breathe, you can’t move. You’re just frozen in the moment with absolutely no strength to react. This is because you’ve already exhausted yourself trying to fight for something that clearly only one of you intended to last. Sure, he may have wanted it to at first, but at some point during the relationship his desires changed. As you continued watching him, countless thoughts of all the sacrifices you made for this relationship flashed through your mind. Every time you put his needs ahead of your own. The times you forgave him when he messed up. All of the lies you knew he were telling that you couldn’t prove. And even when some of them came to light, he fed you an insincere apology and you fell for it just like he knew you would. Not to mention the time you almost walked away, but decided to stay and work it out. And now after all of that, he’s the one who gets to decide when the relationship ends. Boy, he’s got some nerve huh?
After several minutes of you just standing in place, tears began to fall as you were hit with one of the worst cases of nausea. You readied yourself for the inevitable upchuck but instead, a pain-induced scream came bellowing out. You sank down behind the door crying like you had just lost your best friend. And in a way, you had. By the time you finally stopped crying you were mentally all over the place. He had been gone for hours and you were still struggling with what you were going to do. You couldn’t eat, you couldn‘t sleep. You kept looking out the window to see if he was coming back. You were repeatedly glancing at your phone to see if he would call or text only to be met with more disappointment. You wanted to call him but you didn’t want to make a fool of yourself. Besides, what were the chances that he would answer once he saw your phone number anyway? He may even have your number blocked by now. While you’re home stressing out, he is somewhere contently resting in his decision. At this point one thing’s for certain and two things are for sure, if he wanted to be there with you, he would be. But he doesn’t and you need to grasp this truth.
This may not be your actual story, but there are many women who will testify that they can relate to some of what was just described. Think back to a time when you were in a relationship that ended because your partner wanted out. How did it make you feel inside, and what were some of your outward responses to the breakup? This article will focus on a few examples of what happens after a breakup and how women can learn to effectively process their emotions. Even if we are not the ones who need it, we can help someone we know who is currently dealing with love loss cope in healthier ways.
During the early stages after a breakup, it’s important to allow yourself to feel all of your emotions fully without judgement. Whether it’s sadness, anger, or even relief. This will help you navigate through the emotional rollercoaster ahead. And believe me, you’re in for a bumpy ride. It’s a journey that you may not have asked for, yet you are forced to endure and accept. Acceptance is about consenting to the realness of your situation with full consciousness. It forces you to be aware of what is true and what’s not. You can tell yourself all you want that your man will be back, but whether you want to believe it or not, your relationship is over. It’s time to commit your focus towards healing your brokenness. An open mind is receptive to the concept of healing and moving forward whereas, a closed mind is receptive to being stuck in a false reality. It’s also important to note that some days will feel better than others. Why? Because healing isn’t linear. Just trust the process. As you adjust to your new reality of singleness give yourself the grace to rest, reflect and regroup.
Grieving is a big part of your healing journey. By embracing your emotions and allowing yourself to grieve, you create the space necessary for eventual closure and the strength to move on without it if need be.
Having encountered other women who have gone through heartbreak over the years, I came to know that each of us processes differently. It is important to note that not all methodologies are an exact fit for every woman’s situation, nor will we all move at the same pace. Some methods may include additional supports based on our own individual needs. Either way, I believe that a universal rule of thumb should be to have the right support system backing you. This brings comfort and reassurance which is good for your mentality. People who are good listeners bring fresh perspectives, that enable you to pivot and plan for a more stable future. Stay away from anyone who is going to fan the flames of your anger and frustration. Use wisdom! Take some time to yourself and secure the borders of your personal space for a while.
Girl You Better Not!
“Uh ma’am, put that phone down please.” I understand you are in your feelings right now, but the overwhelming urge to call your ex, is a trap! I get it, taming your emotions is a lot easier said than done. You feel like your ex completely controlled the breakup and you didn’t get out everything you wanted to say to him. But calling him will not change a thing. He doesn’t want to hear it. He has nothing left to say and neither should you. Reaching out to him in an attempt to over-explain yourself comes from a place of seeking validation, closure, or even possible reconciliation. However, this is just going to get your emotions worked up and prevent you from gaining the clarity you need to move on. No amount of crying, explaining, or pleading with him is going to change how he feels. The relationship will still be over even after all of your efforts to persuade him. Not to mention, he will become annoyed! He wants to be left alone so that he can move on and your phone call will disturb him. He broke up with you and like it or not, it is time that you respect both his decision and his boundaries. The one thing you need to keep in front of you is the reality of where you are and that your relationship has ended.
Here is where I need you to dig deep and believe in yourself. You can do this. You can let go! Sure it’s going to take some time but it will get easier with consistency. Please don’t talk yourself back out on a ledge expecting that man to come and rescue you. Sweetheart he is done, and you should be too.
Remain focused on your emotional well-being, allowing yourself to process the pain without being distracted by what might have been or what could still be. By resisting the urge to reach out, you take control of your healing process, prioritizing your self-care needs over the temptation of compromise. This time and space is essential for growth, helping you build the strength to move forward with clarity and purpose.
Call a friend, call anybody, just do not call him! The awaiting disappointment may cause you to plummet further down into the darkness of your emotions. And for goodness sake, please don’t lie to yourself. He is not sitting over there regretting his decision. Often times we ladies like to believe that our ex’s are somewhere actively thinking about us while they are actually enjoying their newfound freedom. Sure, there may be a chance somewhere in the future that he may regret his decision, but trust me it won’t be any time soon. Another thing you need not do is go over to that man’s house. He not only doesn’t want to talk, he also doesn’t want to see you either. Here’s a little motivation for you to consider. Think back to the moment you realized that he could have stayed, but instead he chose himself and his own needs over you. How’s this for an eye-opener? Just like he chose him, it’s time for you to choose you!
There comes a time when we must be honest with ourselves and embrace some hard truths. You don’t deserve to be met with rejection and confusion because you allowed yourself to get caught up in the moment. Let’s explore some encouraging tips on how you can remain strong in times of weakness.
- Remind yourself why it ended.
- Don't be afraid of being alone.
- Block his information.
- Keep your conversations with his family/friends at a minimum.
- Stop blaming yourself.
- Focus on self-care.
- Beware of nostalgic memories of him.
- Do not stalk his social media.
Now, I’d like to hone in on the encouraging tip titled “Stop blaming yourself,” for the next few minutes. Why do some of us do this to ourselves? I think we tend to forget that we weren’t in our relationships alone—so the breakup is not entirely our fault. Sure we had some less than perfect moments that we can’t erase, but who doesn’t? Constantly beating ourselves up over our mistakes and imperfections only add unnecessary weight to an already heavy load. Instead of focusing on what went wrong, shift your energy toward reconnecting with the things and resources that promote maturation, and fulfillment. Whether it’s therapy, pursuing a hobby, focusing on personal growth, or deepening friendships, redirecting our focus on activities that nourish our souls can be incredibly empowering. By proactively pouring energy into our passions and aspirations, we can find a renewed sense of purpose and direction, which will help us heal in a more meaningful way.
I hope this information is helping you confront some things regarding your breakup and how you are handling things so far. Part 2 of the Sis He's Gone article will dive into the mood swings, and the lies we tell ourselves.
Ready to begin processing your emotions? The Sis He's Gone Workbook is now available. Get your copy today!
