Standing in the mirror confronting yourself over your expressive behaviors is an accountability practice that will catapult your healing journey. Don't kid yourself honey. One of the things you will ultimately face that is sure to cause friction in your encounters are mood swings. Self-expression is an important part of communication. However, keep in mind that your mood during the healing process will not only fluctuate, it will also vary in intensity. One moment you may feel good about your progress, only to be hit with waves of sadness, anger, regret, resentment, anxiety, or even bitterness. These mood shifts are completely normal, as the body and mind process the emotional trauma of the breakup. Hormonal changes, the loss of a deep connection, and the shock of adjusting to a new norm can all contribute to your heightened emotions. It can be frustrating to feel like you are taking two steps forward then five steps backward. However, understanding that these common fluctuations are part of the grieving process, can help to soften their impact. While these heightened sessions may feel overwhelmingly exhausting, they should never be ignored or suppressed. Allowing yourself to feel and express these emotions is vital for long-term results which is the ultimate goal. Trying to rush through or deny these feelings can prolong your recovery time, whereas acknowledging them allows for emotional growth.
Over time, as you process the pain, these mood swings will become less frequent and less intense. Keep in mind that transitions of this caliber come with many reminders. For instance, it is important that you take note of people, places, or things that may act as triggers. One of the hardest emotional states after a breakup is the feeling of longing for the relationship. You may start reminiscing about the good times with one another and with friends; which in turn may create a sense of nostalgia that can unravel improvement. You may even begin comparing your current life to the past, which is a breeding ground for the feelings of inadequacy or discontentment. These actions, driven by emotional vulnerability, can cause delusions, irrational impulses, prolonged suffering, and ultimately prevent you from moving on. By practicing self-compassion and patience, you can weather these emotional ups and downs with greater resilience and begin to rebuild a sense of peace and stability.
I have to admit that emotional turbulence is the absolute worse. However, we’d be remiss if we didn’t consider the impact they have on people connected to us. In our desperation to make sense of the breakup, we may lash out, say hurtful things, or isolate ourselves from those who care about us. This creates a ripple effect, that in turn causes tension, misunderstandings, strain, and alienation from those who are concerned and trying to support us. It is imperative that we understand that mood swings are all part of the process, but also takes us back to the need to manage our triggers. Doing so in healthier ways will deter us from self-destructive behavior and will preserve our relationships with others. If you have children, be cognizant of how your mood swings affect them as well. It may incite fear in them because they don’t understand what is happening. Overall, remember that your mood swings are not a reflection of personal failure. As you continue on your recovery, you will eventually learn how to keep them under control.
Don't Play Yourself
Let’s talk about how sometimes after a breakup, it’s tempting to seek comfort and validation from anyone who will listen. Most times we tend to stick with familiar territory rather than veering off course. We start reaching out to people in our phone contact list, social media, and even at our workplaces. But get this, when the familiarity involves talking to your ex's friends or family, this is a definite no-no. This will surely throw a monkey-wrench in your path. Besides I think we are forgetting that his people may still hold loyalty to him. Their lop-sided, watered down, perspectives may unintentionally cloud your judgment and reopen old wounds. Engaging with them can also create confusion or conflict, such as division and disputes if they share the information with your ex. There is nothing worse than pouring your heart out to your ex’s people and they run back and tell him everything you said. This will no doubt infuriate him and may cause a blow-out between the two of you. And it’s not that you may have said anything bad, it’s about you calling them period. Most men do not like when women call and discuss their personal business with their friends and family. Up until now you were fiending for a call from him and you’re going to get it. Just not the one you wanted.
For our own social and emotional well-being, we too need to set boundaries and avoid these conversations. It’s best you stick to your own support system. By distancing yourself from these outside influences, you protect the progress you’ve made and give yourself the courage needed to maintain tunnel vision. No need for their empty promises of them saying they will talk some sense into him to get y’all back together. This will do nothing but create false hope because they can't make him do anything. So do yourself a favor and don’t put your trust in your ex’s people. Take it from someone who knows because I’ve been there and you will only live to regret it. They are making promises that they won’t be able to keep. Don’t set yourself up for failure. Stick to what’s real. Like the feeling deep inside your gut, that’s real. The tears you cry when you’re alone, those are real. You get the picture.
Another way we set ourselves up to fail is allowing unrealistic expectations to set in. Don’t think for one minute that when he runs into you and sees that you’re doing well without him, this will make him want to rekindle the flame. And even if he does, have you ever thought that some flames deserve to stay blown out? Besides, after you reach a certain point after the breakup, you shouldn’t care about what he thinks anyway. But, let’s be real, you should prepare yourself for when you see him out with his new flame. Especially if you’re not completely over him yet because you are in for a revelation. It's the moment you’re going to realize that it wasn’t that he didn’t want to be in a relationship, he just no longer wanted to be in one with you. This critical moment may certainly push you over the edge because the pain of seeing him with someone else may upset you. But whatever happens, do not to come unglued. You should’ve known that he was going to move on sooner or later but don’t allow this encounter to negate your progress. You worked hard to get to where you are now so don’t let anything stop you.
I also don’t want you to go down the rabbit hole of self-sabotaging behavior. This means, don’t concern yourself with the woman you saw him with. Don't waste your time trying to find out who she is, where she came from, or what's her social media so you can stalk her page and find out. And by all means, leave her alone. Do not contact her trying to put her up on game as to how you believe he's going to play her. None of this matters because she has him now and you don’t. That is a waste of time, energy, and mental space. Instead, opt for more positive thoughts about yourself and your future. Also, do not rehearse what you would say to him if you ran into him on any other occasion. Just let things be.
Stop With The Lies
At the end of the day, healing is your responsibility and the only way to fulfill this responsibility is to be proactive, diligent, and avoid taking shortcuts. When we skip emotional processing, we’re essentially closing the wound with dirt still inside. The lies become band-aids over infections and eventually, they’ll show. The sadness will begin to leak out in the form of bitterness, fear, and trust issues. The truth is, healing demands transparency. Not with him, but with yourself. You can’t fake closure, you have to face it! Pretending to be ok when you know you are not, is a big fat lie. Be real with yourself and those around you. Let’s explore four common lies we tell ourselves over and over again. Shall we?
- Lie #1 I'm So Over Him- Oh really? Girl please! You say this with your whole chest meanwhile, you’re still checking his socials media, comparing new people to him, or constantly bringing him up in conversation. This isn’t judgment either, it’s a defense mechanism. We don’t want to admit we’re not okay because we think that means we’re weak. But being over someone isn't just about not talking to them it's about no longer being controlled by what happened. There’s strength in saying, “I’m not okay right now, but I will be.”
- Lie #2 No Worries, I'm Fine- Fine is that dangerous middle ground. It’s where healing goes to stall. You’re not crying daily, so you assume you're healed, but you haven’t processed the betrayal, the anger, or the loneliness. You're “fine” because you've buried the pain deep inside so you don’t have to feel it. But avoiding the storm doesn’t mean the skies are clear, it just means you’ve ignored the thunder.
- Lie #3 If She Can Get Over Hers, So can I-Each of our situations are different so we should never compare someone else’s story to our own. No matter the similarities we must keep one thing in mind. We all process differently. We mimic someone else’s journey without understanding that our pain has its own timeline. Just because your friend bounced back in two months doesn’t mean you will. When you live off someone else’s survival story, you deny yourself your own narrative, your own truth, and your own breakthrough.
- Lie #4 Who Cares. I Had No Business With Him Anyway-This is straight up emotional deflection. Downplaying the relationship or the person might feel empowering for a moment, but you can’t heal what you won’t validate sis. What you’re doing is rewriting the story so it doesn’t hurt as much. This may make you feel like you’re taking back control. However, real control isn’t about pretending we didn’t care, it’s about admitting we did, and still choosing to grow from it. You don’t need to reverse the roles to heal. You just need to be honest about what it was, what it did to you, and what you need to move forward.
Heartbreak has a way of making us feel like we’ve lost not just love, but pieces of ourselves. In the aftermath, we reach for quick fixes dressed up as progress because sitting with pain feels unbearable. But here’s the truth, you cannot outrun what needs to be felt. Real healing doesn't happen in denial. It happens in the quiet moments when you're being real with yourself. You don’t have to minimize your toughest emotions or speed through your healing just to prove you're strong; or just to impress others. Strength is choosing to face what broke you and deciding it will not define you.
Healing is not about pretending it didn’t happen, it’s about learning from it, growing through it, and eventually, being able to say: “That chapter hurt me, but it also made me.” Take your time. This is your story and no one is in charge of writing it except you. And the best part? You're not at the end. You're at the beginning of something new, something whole, and something worthy, and that something is you! You are about to come out of this situation with a fresh perspective and a renewed sense of awareness. In closing I want to encourage you to not allow the feeling of defeat win. This fight is between you and your emotions and only one of you will end up on top. Please let it be you!
***Coming this Fall
Be on the lookout for the Sis He's Gone workbook that will assist you with effectively processing your emotions. Some of what you will explore is:
- Understanding the Emotional Impact
- Grieving the Loss
- Acceptance and Moving Forward
- Rebuilding Self-Esteem
- Girl Leave Him Alone
and more. I'm so excited to be sharing this workbook with women who are not only willing to do the work in order to heal, but also understand that some of life's unhappiest endings are the real MVP's.
Ready to process your emotions? The Sis He's Gone Workbook is now available. Get your copy today!
